That's So Sad
by Kat The Maniac
Summary: Arriving to the afterlife 5,000 years too late has more consequences than Atem expected...Will he be able to adjust to his life as Pharoah once more or will he spend the rest of his (after)life pining for Domino City?
1. Play Despacito

Atem didn't even realize he had said something strange until suddenly his entire council was looking at him strangely.

He had to admit, he really did think going to the afterlife was the best option for him.

And then he actually GOT to the afterlife.

Being Pharaoh in the afterlife was about as glamorous and important as being a high school class president.

The title's pretty much there as a formality.

Sure, he still got to sit in the big chair and have thousands of servants at his disposal….

But no air conditioning.

So was it really worth it?

At least when he was ACTUALLY pharaoh of an ACTUA empire he had things to do.

Everyone in the afterlife kind of just lounged around, kind of doing what they used to do while they were alive but without any of the stakes involved.

Which only gave Atem time to think about everything he missed in the modern world.

Of course he missed his friends -Yugi especially- but sometimes he missed other things.

Like sofas. Or drywall. Or ice cream.

And the worst part was that nobody really REALLY understood.

He tried talking to Mana about it and while she was kind, she had NO idea what he was talking about. His cousin Seto would sometimes grab papyrus and take notes of the things Atem described, but it was less "I'm sorry you're missing all these things" and more "This shit sounds completely crazy I'm going to take notes and figure out how it works."

He was only successful once.

But.

Considering WHAT he had just said, not even Seto could figure this one out.

It was just a slip of the tongue really.

Atem had really been trying to keep his "modern language" under control.

He only slipped up every once and a while, SURE, sometimes he'd call Seto an "asswipe" or he'd refer to Mahad as "my dude" but he had been doing SO much better recently.

Or so he thought.

Every week the 6 priests held a meeting with the Pharaoh to update him on the kingdom and what was happening.

Sure these meetings were absolutely necessary when they were alive.

But now? That they were in the afterlife? And their only problem was all the free time they had?

The meetings were pretty much exclusively ceremonial.

And it was because Karim was talking, with his stupid hippie headband and his slow dull voice that Atem started to zone out.

He was only half listening really but he clearly heard Karim mention a shortage of grain in the western whatever.

And before he knew it the words had left his lips before he could even stop them.

"Oh my gods, that's so sad, Alexa. Play Despacito."

He THOUGHT he had said it quietly but alas, old habits die hard and thus all SIX priests were eagerly awaiting the pharaoh's commentary.

Instead, they got. Whatever that was.

Atem quickly snapped back to life as all six priests turned to him in confusion.

Okay look, he could make being the pharaoh work for him.

He was in charge.

He was the man.

If he acted like what he had said was normal, then nobody would question him.

He straightened his back and rose to his full height in his chair, an impressive 5'4.

Perfect if he-

"I'm sorry what did you just say my Pharaoh?"

DAMN IT KARIM.

In hindsight, of course, that wouldn't work, that was stupid.

New Plan.

New Plan…..

Well he COULD always just explain what exactly he meant by….Alexa play Despacito.

"Well uh.."

Winged Dragon of Ra, he could already see Seto reaching for his papyrus.

"I….In the modern world-"

He could almost hear the priest's collective groaning. They would never tell him but he knew. They were all sick and tired of hearing about the modern world. He KNEW he sounded like a broken record at this point but…He had a point! In the modern world he had tap water AND he didn't get sand stuck in his butthole every day.

"Pharaoh Atem did I hear you correctly did you say…Alexander play Mosquito?"

"I-No I did not Priestess Isis. I definably did not say that."

He took a deep breath in.

"What I did say was-"

"-Cousin if you could wait a second before you begin your explanation."

"Uh. Why?"

"My servant can't find my pen"

Another deep breath in.

"I found it Master Seto! I'm so sorry about the delay. I put it in my pocket so I wouldn't forget it was there and then I forgot I had put it there and- "

"It's fine. Cousin. I'm ready."

One last deep breath"

"As I was saying-"

Somehow Seto was already taking notes and his faint scratching echoed around the room as Atem explained

"What I said was…That is so sad, Alexa play Despacito. Do you guys remember when I told you what a meme was?"

4 of the 6 priests nodded. Karim looked vaguely lost. Seto beckoned to his servant to quickly bring him the notes on memes he had taken.

"Well, that's ANOTHER one of those memes."

"So this is just another one? Is it a…A pepe?"

Well at least Mahad tried.

"No..If you remember a pepe is a sad green frog. This is just a verbal meme."

Seto stopped taking notes for a second and asked

"So, what you're telling me is that these _memes_ can be both illustrated and verbal?"

"Yes exactly. Now this meme is commonly used in a situation where something bad happens. For example…My former friend Yugi said it for anything. Even the smallest inconvenience. Whenever he lost a card game, when he stubbed his toe, when he forgot he had to do something…."

Nods of understanding.

Yes! He was finally getting through to them!

Except for Karim.

But fuck Karim anyway.

"Okay cousin but what exactly is "Alexa" and "Despacito" I can't find any words that correlate to those things in our language."

"Well. Um. In the modern world, we had these…Devices that would play music for us automatically without needing an actual musician. These devices could be accessed by verbally saying the words "Alexa play""

With the speed at which Seto was writing Atem was scared he'd break his pen.

"And as for Despacito…It was a very popular song in the modern world. Extremely popular. It was even voted their most popular song of the summer."

Shada nodded

"Ah…I see! The joke is that the popular song contradicts the upsetting situation isn't it?"

Atem could have wept tears of joy.

"Yes! Yes, Shada! That's exactly it!"

Shada looked into his eyes and for a second Atem felt something akin to pure elation.

Ra bless Egypt.

The other priests nodded in understanding as Seto finished his third page of notes.

"Cousin, can you check the spelling on these documents later, I think I'm spelling it all wrong but I don't want to derail Karim's presentation on the agricultural district more than we already have."

For the first time since Atem had taken control of the meeting, Karim popped back to life.

"Yes, of course, Priest Seto! As I was saying-"

Atem sunk back into his chair, his brief moment of happiness quickly squashed.

fucking Karim.

* * *

Hi, I wrote this all in an hour and I know if I proofread it I won't publish it so I'm sorry. I've written stupid things in my dad and I have to say I think this MIGHT be the dumbest. The last time I journeyed into the comedy section of the yugioh fandom, I was berated harshly so hopefully, this time will be different. Drop a review if y'all are interested in me continuing this.

-Kat


	2. Vines and Honey

Sometimes Atem really didn't know what he was doing anymore.

Like right now.

He was walking.

But walking WHERE?

Past the same god damn sandstone door he had seen a million times.

He couldn't find ANYTHING in this god damn palace. It felt like being back in his soul room except worse because at least his soul room was consistently 76 degrees.

The weather here during the day seemed to fluctuate between "Hot as balls," "Australia" and "oh god. OH G O D."

Right now it was somewhere in between "Hot as Balls" and "Australia," so it was pretty manageable.

If only he could find his bedroom for once.

They'd told him where it was a million times. Mahaad had shown it to him a million times. Set had drawn him at least 6 maps. Mana had (tried) teleporting him there once. Shimon had walked him there and laughed at his ineptitude the entire way.

But still.

Nothing.

He had been planning on just lying under the covers for a while and daydreaming about swiss cheese or some other modern convention he'd never see again but right now he really just missed GPS systems.

There was one time when Yugi got lost and used his GPS for a 2-minute walk.

Atem hadn't thought anything of it then but oh.

Oh, how he envied it now.

A loud crash suddenly pulled him out of his inner monologue.

Well, he _could_ always just follow whatever made that noise.

Or he could ignore it and keep wandering around alone before someone found him and tried to get him to do something productive.

He didn't get much alone time so he liked to treasure the few minutes alone he DID have.

"WHADDUP, IT'S YA BOI."

That voice…

Those WORDS.

It couldn't be.

Atem ran for the first time since he had moved into the afterlife because, for the first time since then, there was something to run for.

He knew if he ran to the end of this hallway and took a left he'd reach the throne room.

He might've just been purposefully avoiding it is all.

He ran into the throne room only to see the Thief King himself standing at the door, and his priests all standing in a line in front of the throne having assumed their positions for battle. Set stepped up as Atem entered the room quietly and unnoticed.

"BAKURA you insolent knave. You should have been consumed in the jaws of Ammit! Wouldn't we have seen you when our Pharaoh returned from the human world?"

Bakura chuckled and stepped towards the priests.

"Oh yeah. That whole little shindig. Well, I got an invitation but I opted out. My family and I have had 3000 years of catching up to do after all. But now I'm back. And while the souls of Kul Elna may finally be free, my hatred for the Pharaoh still burns with the fury of Ra himself! I've come to reclaim the throne for the people!"

The priests scoffed and Shada looked like he'd be physically ill.

Atem meanwhile, was thinking that he must've misheard.

He sighed and found himself about to step in and resume in his position as leader of the Brady Bunch when suddenly.

Bakura took yet another step forward and his priests stepped back.

"Well, well, WELL. Look at aaaaaaallllll those chickens."

Atem gasped softly.

Suddenly 7 pairs of eyes were on him.

OSIRIS BE DAMNED it was like he couldn't even BREATHE without somebody noticing.

"My Pharaoh please step back!"

Oh Isis, so sweet but,

No, he was going to step forward.

He was going to find out.

He walked towards no-man's land and walked until he was inches away from the thief's face. He remembered Bakura's eyes being lavender but now they were bright pink coals, blazing with fury as Atem leaned in and softly whispered

"Bakura…..I need to know….How much do you remember?"

The thief practically growled out a reply

"Everything. Every indiscretion and ever-"

"No. Shut up. How much of the modern world do you remember?"

"Practically nothing. I've left it all behind me."

"I don't believe you."

"Well, it's the truth."

"No, it's not. And here's how I'm going to prove it."

Atem stepped back and gave out a mighty bellow.

"WHEN I SAY HILLSHIRE YOU SAY FARMS. HILLSHIRE"

The six priests stood behind him in utter confusion as Bakura's eyes went wide and his own hand flew up to his mouth as if struggling to keep something back. Atem smirked and stepped back again.

"REEEEED ROBINS."

The thief fell to his knees, both hands covering his mouth and a cold sweat running down his back. The priests at this point had given up the battle formation and were now sitting on the steps leading up to the pharaoh's throne, utterly baffled. Except for Seth. Seth had received a private lesson from Atem in "Slogans you can't help but finish" and he was ecstatic to see their power in action.

"Bakura….You can be honest with me. I'm giving you one more chance before I bring out the worst one."

Bakura's head snapped up and though his hands didn't move he managed to yell out (a very muffled)

"NEVER!"

Atem grinned and raised his arm.

 **"JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL."**

Seth gasped.

The "Don't Stop Believing" slogan.

The most powerful one there was.

No man nor beast had ever stood a chance against it.

And it seemed no Thief King could either.

Bakura lept to his feet and screeched

 **"LIVING IN A LONELY WORLD."**

The two of them sang the next line together, rather against Bakura's will.

 **"HE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOING ANYWHERE."**

Atem's laughter bubbled out of him and it took all his willpower not to run over and hug his sworn enemy.

"Bakura! You remember!"

The thief king -with a dark blush on his cheeks- crossed his arms and avoided all eye contact

"Well of course I do! I just. Like pretending I don't considering how you handed me my ass on a silver platter. And uh.. because we-"

"-We can never go back."

Pink coals met Amethyst waters and for the first time in a 3000 year feud it seemed like the Pharaoh and his rival had finally reached common ground.

Bakura sighed and stepped forward

"I…I'm sorry about busting in right now. I'm not really that pissed anymore but I thought returning to my old routine would be exciting. And it kind of was but you're busy and-"

"Oh no. No no no no no. I'm not busy. Like at all. Seriously."

The six priests nodding in the back confirmed this.

"Like dude. Do you wanna hang out or something? We can chill in my room…..If I can ever find it."

"Cousin do you need another map? I've drawn you 12 so far but I don't mind-"

"-NO COUSIN I'M FINE I'M TRYING TO MAKE A NEW FRIEND HERE AND I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU PLEASE STOPPED EMBARRASSING ME."

Bakura's chuckles filled in what would have been an awkward silence and Atem joined him, laughing more out of relief than anything.

Eventually however, the laughter died out and the two stared at each other for a second.

"So uh. Is it true you really have a room full of gold around here somewhere?"

"I dunno."

Atem turned around

"Guys do we have a room full of gold?"

"Yes, it's in the east wing in the western hallway."

"Ah…Yes Karim. Thank you. That location description will be….very helpful."

Bakura snorted and Atem turned to face him

"Shut up scrub."

"Fuck, I live in a one room hut with my parents and 3 siblings but god damn at least I know where my shit is."

"Dude you don't even KNOW, I almost peed in a corner the other day because I couldn't find our ancient egyptian toilet."

"Oh yeah. I have one of those. We call it the bucket."

Atem nearly keeled over laughing and even a few of the priests joined in. Bakura grinned at the fact that he'd finally brought the Pharaoh to his knees in probably the stupidest way possible.

"Hey the room of gold? I'm waiting."

Atem wiped a tear from his eye and grinned.

"Yeah, I'm sure we'll figure it out if we just walk around."

Atem had his back to the six priests so he missed a very concerned Seth mouth "walk to the left" at Bakura.

"Well you came from the right so let's go to the left this time"

"Whether or not this friendship is going to last is going to depend on whether or not you catch this next reference Bakura, I'm just letting you know that."

"What ar-"

Suddenly Atem ran towards the left hall screaming.

"Why are you…oh-OH!"

Bakura's face broke into a grin and he yelled back in a heavily accented voice

"WHY ARE YOU RUNNING? WHY. ARE YOU RUNNING?"

Both their laughters echoed down the hall and suddenly the six priests were left alone in the chamber.

"aHA! I just realized it! Look at all those chickens is a reference from the popular meme platform vine!"

"Seth."

"Yes Mahaad?"

"Just shut up."

* * *

 _ **Y'all I really didn't think I was going to do another chapter for this and yet. Here I am. Honestly I kind of want to keep writing in this universe though so let me know if there's an interest! I literally just wrote this because the idea of Atem and TKB running around bonding and referencing obscure vines to each other waters my crops.**_


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